A Sigh of Relief & Reflections on the Divided Soul
I'm so grateful that Trump is over! Could this be a sign that things will improve and get better? I truly hope so.
Work has been slow to say the least. I am coming off a period that began around Christmas of, let's see, some 20 plus no shows. One black male client wanna-be even went so far as to text that he was close, 5 to 10 minutes away AND THEN didn't show up! Processing my anger and frustration at these alarming numbers of clients "acting out" has always been a challenging and is no less so now. I have always tried to give myself comfort by repeating the mantra taught to me by an older, wiser(?) queer N.S.A. fuckbuddy with his pet phrase "it comes with the territory." This "foot slave" also happened to be a fetish-companion of some 17 years; sensual, hot and heartless as any fetish-based relationship. Repeating "it comes with the territory" now rings false for me because I think I'm at a point where now I'm beginning to ask why? Why do many men carry with them such an extraordinary amount of irresponsibility and lack of integrity when it comes to dealing with men who specialize in the business of M4M massage work? Because many men confuse the field of M4M work as more of a game than a job or a career. In short, they forget, it IS a business. I think it's also because so many of us have our minds "divided from our souls" as Tori Amos so beautifully writes in her song "The Reindeer King." Or is it vulnerability? Lack of trust? Maybe it's power? Boredom? Most men find it too raw to talk about feelings and sex or healing. I know it's hard to do. But if you keep playing at life and avoiding all the rawness, all the "being present" aren't you selling yourself short? Narcissism has it's value as an artist, but in a real relationship it produces only obstacles.
I find myself working from a place of isolation. I am truly an island doing this work. Here, in N.Y.C. I would like to continue to practice and perhaps I will. Even when I move-for the rest of my life. But for now I'm here, hoping that within a few months, work will return to a place of normalcy. But then I think to myself, will we ever be normal again? After this? I wonder and reflect.
For now I'm focusing on making a better website, publishing more of my writing online https://comfortbysaintorr.wordpress.com/
and working the social media thing, while still having the distinct feeling of "being on an island." I don't know if this will ever change. Music continues to be a great solace, as does nature. Being grateful for the things I have at my finger tips. (Health, a biggie) and remembering when I feel that urge to act out by being mean or uncaring, how it hurts when people "sin against me." But the sorrow comes when I reflect on the very reason I thought I maintained a lifestyle here was because "this was the place" where all the guys are. But hey, when all the guys "aren't" why bother being here anymore? I have to turn back to focus on me, the cornerstone of sobriety. Me, my creativity and the few smart men in need who have the courage to show up and the integrity to partake in the gifts that I offer. That's all she wrote. For now...Amen. God it feels so good to be able to express myself fully in a blog and not be censored! Yay!