Contemplation of Addictions, clients & rainbows

Updated: Nov 14

It occurred me to today that some of my closest friends are alcoholics; that includes my brother--his daughter my niece is also on crystal meth and has been for years). Is it that like-minded people (with addictions) prefer the company of each other? I wonder. But that's not it because I LOVE some of my totally sober friends. A mystery.

A friend (really my therapist) suggested that I begin attending Al-Anon meetings. A good idea. Al-Anon is for people who are involved in any relationships in which alcohol is an abusive or unhealthy element in the relationship.

I must tread very carefully with one of my newer friends; one of my friends is bi but when she's “had a few” she transforms from a fun-loving spirit into a mean drunk. And mean drunks are just plain scary. I even asked her to have only two drinks on our next brunch date and she became very indignant and canceled, accusing me of harping on my request to practice our own harm reduction program. She then sent a series of hysterical texts accusing me of being overly dramatic. I could tell she was drunk when she sent them. I feel very sad possibly having to give up this friend. But I recall previous involvements with alcoholics that didn't end well. When sober, she is smart, savvy, and a great all-around friend and companion, a shining star. But after half a bottle of wine, she gets sloppy and her brain misfires; things I've told her before need to be repeated. After three drinks, she gets loud, unduly emotional...any more and her bitch-cunt self appears in all its braying and complaining glory (God forbid some MAN sets her off!). Her shadow side inhibits me from enjoying her gold side. I don't really know how to deal with this, because again when she drinks, she frightens me. How can I deal with a friend who gets pissed off when I tell them that a certain aspect of their behavior offends me, when doing so offends them? Am I supposed to ignore shit? And on and on it goes devolving into a sort of "he said, she said" legal fight with any form, meaning or truth canceled by the warped reality that alcohol brews like hysterical, naked, witches worshipping the devil while dancing around a fire in the woods. Frightening. And powerful. I just need to pray, journal, and reflect on this...

[Sweetie, darling if you happen to read this I don't mean to offend, but I must speak my truth. And it's my blog so fuck it.]

Alcoholics make for dangerous relationships. Once upon a time, a lover gave me 17 stitches. That is NOT a time period in my life I care to revisit (with a male OR female!). Maybe we can reason things out. Maybe not. Or maybe it's all but impossible for me to have a relationship with another Cancer? Probably depends on the position of their moon rising. For a few years, I was close with "T” who was a M4M masseur based down south. but finally, I just couldn't take his rage and depression anymore. His entire life boiled down to his daily unhappiness unless he was doing a non-stop series of "fuck massages" with men. He had to have money coming in every day from his M4M massage work (one of his fav activities was / is eating ass). Claiming to be HIV immune, the last time I'd heard from him, he'd contracted VD and was raging about having to wear a mask. Also, he expressed displeasure at our friendship. He wanted therapy from me. "You're all I've got" he would say. What sane person says that to anyone?!? I was supposed to be the answer to all his problems. He was too much for me. His baggage eventually wore down and broke our friendship. And like my friend above, Tom was also a Cancer. Maybe Cancers with Cancers are toxic?

It's been a great week for massage. Thank you new clients (and my Mr. "P" repeat client). Today I felt a little nauseous from all the sex and massage energy I was putting out over the weekend. Being up on the roof and seeing the alluring autumnal double rainbow was the high point of the day. And raised my spirits immensely.

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Intensely bored! High point of the day was an Austrian photographer coming over and taking my portrait. Not sure if appropriate for the head shot thing but we got creative (strange that regular acting