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Gratutitude/Conflicts

Intensely bored! High point of the day was an Austrian photographer coming over and taking my portrait. Not sure if appropriate for the head shot thing but we got creative (strange that regular acting headshots tend NOT to be creative but Zombie-like). That’s because the casting people want a “blank slate” on which they can write the subtleties of the character they want to project onto the actor, i.e., not too smart to use photos of who you really are as a person. And yet being unique in show business can work to one’s advantage. All that is contingent upon luck however.


As one ages, everything becomes a non-issue and so much of success ONLY is determined by luck. *sigh*

Also processing a couple of conflicts I got into this week. One with a neighborhood business owner (big straight guy I've known for years who has this propensity for being insulting--in a semi good-natured way). This fellow can dish it out but he certainly can’t take it! To avoid tension I will buy him a Christmas card today. Does it really matter who is right or wrong as long as we can keep the peace and balance of every day living in this city? That should be the overriding purpose of all economic interactions; to avoid stressful conflicts. We have the street action for that!

Later, working out at the gym and will attempt to go to church tomorrow. Damn it’s so VULNERABLE to sit in a pew alone amidst strangers. But I feel a need to be in a quiet place with lots of people (almost as much as I feel a need to go out dancing LOL~).


My other conflict was with a female friend who takes all texting way too personally. I don't believe in fighting by text. It's very useful however, to block a problem client or a no-show. I hate it when friends or employers send inane group texts. They are a disruption and a distraction…especially when people are sharing non-essential information. Just annoying. This woman’s over-sensitivity borders on being hyper schizo—but again I must kowtow and write a nice Christmas card. She and her Mother control whether I have the freedom to experience an affordable “getaway” from my New York life or not. You can’t “bite the hand that feeds you; even at times if it seems that hand has rabies.


Water buffalo neighbor seems quiet but the BF might be visiting. Hopefully will not be subjected to listening to them copulating later in the evening. Sometimes my apartment is like a coffin; the feeling of constraint is claustrophobic and suffocating. Always on edge. STOMP STOMP STOMP is what the upstairs neighbor sounds like—the big, Australian girl. Like a large abominable snowman. And with her BF it's like a “double Yetti” stomping around yet they are just walking. Gotta love this East Village ambiance.



Will try to go up to roof and dance out cabin fever now.
 Maybe some wine later tonight. That "OVR" (Old Vine Red) was good at Astor Place.

I suppose it's in my best interest to buy Christmas cards to both parties I'm "in conflict" with. Another part of me just feels like not doing any damage control and even going so far to block the female friend's number! But I have to tread carefully as I don't have that many close friends anyway. Two, if that!


It's weird that someone you can love and turn around and hurt you mercilessly and unmindfully...almost like an angry child wielding a sharp object. I like to think I prefer not to hold grudges but to talk out conflicts however if the person you are dealing with is incapable of that and incapable of reasoning things out, what does one do? Then if you wanna salvage the friendship YOU have to be the one kowtowing to their what--stupidity? ignorance, lack of compassion? I have no family. My brother is a boring alcoholic. I love him in spite of this. When he goes, there will be no one to share the familial memories with!

God I don't know. Serenity prayer here.


Very slow week but grateful for the two clients who did come. Bizarre how a New York week can be so contained and dull. And now I share my reflections. I am naked. I am a mess. Precisely because I feel and express so much and yet the four walls close in. At times I am like a fly on the wall. So I write. I share. In full view. Why? Nothing better to do? Too much time on my hands? The need to expose myself? Be a kind of "word exhibitionist?" I am rich in terms of experience, but feel like I'm a prisoner behind bars! And a week can stretch out into an interminable segment of time feeling like nothing is happening and yet it is? Or is it? Are we all just viruses inside a giant alien's brain? STOMP STOMP STOMP goes the water buffalo. Giant cunt stomps. Cunt stomps. Staight couple stomps. Occasionally dropping objects on the floor as they make out, hugging and kissing. Vomit.


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This is chapter 13 of my novel "COMFORT." Read, enjoy, comment! c. 2022 by Steven L. Orr #saintorr #nycmasseur #m4mmassage #stevenorrwriter #steveorwhat