Dealing with a new health issue. I have had a history of lesions and strange growths on my prostate. Lately, I had another PSA K score and the results, on a scale, indicated that my chances of having cancer are < 1 in 4. I have had this worry before and had several MRIs over the past decade. These tests always send chills through me. The results of similar testing six months ago, indicated said growths/lesions were benign. Now again I have to face this terror.
Yes, I'm terrified. Feeling very vulnerable. The thought of living without sex is unbearable. Yet, today I was reflecting that maybe this is my own body's way of making me free! Sex after all is my greatest "go to" place of distraction and sensual attachment ("samara") I have in my life. But heaven forbid what it wasn't there? What IF, God forbid, higher power taking this away from me would force me to evolve higher? To reach new levels of connection with my soul?
THE MYSTIQUE OF NUMBERS
Yesterday I got the news about all of this. Yesterday was the 11th. That's a number of transformation and destruction in my history (9-11). I made a video yesterday, posted on my Youtube channel in which I discuss feelings and thoughts in dealing with mortality. Yesterday after hearing the news I was so terrified immediately I got high, taking a sufficient amount of cannabis drops to get me stoned on my ass! I will attempt an upload of this video herein. Biking later on in the evening, my sense of being alone, vulnerable, and scared continued to be acute.
In the video, please forgive the application of sunblock. I do it every day I'm up on the rooftop to protect my face from sun damage! Yes, sometimes the white sheen does make me look like a Bangkok whore LOL.