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self-release w/porn upon waking up is not conducive to soul!

Updated: Apr 25

Self-release w/porn on phone upon waking up is NOT a healthy thing to do at the very start of the day. Afterward, I felt quite lost and uncentered. I "found myself" again after 20 min. of yoga and stretching, and conscious deep breathwork. This helped me regain a sense of balance in myself. Interesting how AFTER going for that orgasm, connected to the fake picture and the robot (the video was a very abusive vampiric Daddy), that feeling of being lost and soul-less was so acute! Samsara, definitely samsara. And my own childhood wounds from the absent, unloving father.


Reflecting on the "stuck, balled up" energy of having a complex, I was reflecting on my dealing with the violence of the psychotic neighbor last year. How could I have dealt with him more peacefully, more positively? Sometimes we just do what we think is the best thing in the moment. Sometimes there is no solution especially in NYC where the majority of conflicts in apartment living have to do with NOISE! complex. Often my conflict with men has to do with power. And I am attracted to the shadow in men, that unloving, abusive father. That is definitely a complex. A very dangerous one. One must be absolutely aware of the fantasy and blinding quality of being in love. Projections and transference are huge factors in all of my relationships--like all other humans! I must be vigilant and aware of how they play out and distract me from the realness of the person or persons I'm dealing with. Playing out history is not being in the moment and my projections onto a man conceal and hide who he really is! The question (of the posting LOL!) is, can we heal from the wounds of childhood and living life?

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