Then maybe your power comes back to you...
So I had a client who paid me $200 day before yesterday and the work was hard as fuck. He wanted deep deep deep and he was a former member of the WWF.
Can we talk “Built like a brick shit house?” Exhausting but well worth the big tip. Sadly not much pleasure at the end as clearly, he wasn’t into me; he was truly into “the massage” I gave. Me--the human doing the mechanics, doing the strokes--he was an afterthought, a service person providing touch. Like I said, it was work.
Then last night I was ghosted by a client I’d worked on before (and oh, he was hot). I was hurt but tried to look at the bright side. I was thus saved from yet another “skin to skin” thing which is good (I’m not on Prep; he claims he was). Who cares anyway? I blocked him.). And this morning “Mr. Two Identities” (he was texting me about a massage with one name AND contacting me with a different name via Rentmasseur) called to cancel. Ew. Not a hot mess. Did his yokel actually use the word “sweet” in a text. Oh the hypocrisy. Shall I be thankful? He “said” he woke up with the sniffles. He could have given me COVID. I blocked him on RM; not sure if I did in messages. “Thou shalt not suffer fools easily.” Just call me Moses carrying these six words carved into a tablet as I climb all the stairs to the top of the Empire State Building in a cloud-blue billowing robe.
I had a lovely time posting a new photo to Masseurfinder and downloading and retouching so many nature photos from Costa Rica trip; Coatis. Wanna show off to friends at this cool NYE party going to. Also posted new song to Bandcamp.com/saintorr. Still this ache is here, darn I wish I had a queen best friend! Maybe someday (?). Females can be your friend; but there’s something about a male “kindred spirit” who gets you. Takes the edge off. Often a deep friendship with someone who just “gets” you keeps the vampires at bay and eases the self-hate. My escape plan is to go to my art…maybe I need to put my house in Costa Rica up on my “Vision Board.” God. Such an L.A. concept, Vision Board. Kinda sweet and innocent. Why not? I love seeing faces on walls and on buildings and in weird shapes. I take photos and then retouch them to bring out this “captured beings” in the non-living. Who’s to say there isn’t some kind of life in everything? Do you believe in Santa Claus? I wish I still did. Maybe he’ll be at “The Eagle” on Sunday night. LOL. Ho ho ho!
I had still had to process the anger and disappointment from the two “sessions” that fell through last night and today. I had to “recover” from the disappointment. Boy, I am sensitive!
And it’s funny, when it comes to business I ask myself is it even worthy of forgiveness when
You’re just dealing with men who seem so seductive on the surface, yet underneath that fake image there is such an utter lack of integrity and Soul? Perhaps in that case one doesn’t need forgiveness as much as “positive denial” and just moving onto the next call, the next client. In between time, BE CREATIVE. CREATIVITY HEALS!
I think part of my pain comes from the fact that I (in my own weird way) DO have a relatively open heart; so whenever that no-show happens or that psycho-client-experience happens, I feel used. I feel abused. But yes, even that is part of the risk in business; that is part of the “business loss” of doing massage and every time one works there will be good and bad moments and one can’t take it personally (but I miss the money I could have made). LOL. Yup. Shit happens.
Licked my wounds and got up today, did shopping and went for a major bike-ride—almost 40 degrees. You can’t let that go to waste.
Yes “forgive harder—your power comes back to you…” Thank you. Monique Marvez. So late last night; on my mind, this person, that person; wow. I was contemplating forgiveness and naming names and ZAP…I got it. Forgiveness is something one must practice every day—even (and especially if) it’s the same old people you’re trying to forgive over and over. Practicing forgiveness is very much like praying. I think they go hand in hand. Gotta make it part of my daily routine.
I believe karma, self-“light,” Soulfulness, whatever you wanna call it—DOES come back to you when you remove the block of hating and holding a grudge against somebody, i.e., when you forgive. But unlike childhood ides of how God should work when you forgive someone or something once and it’s all neat and tidy and it’s done—no. Adult forgiving is an active state of mind one must constantly be DOING—it one chooses to do so. If one cares…It’s like a mini-gym workout for the Soul. Even my dear Mother…I had the earth shaking thought last night that went “Why on earth—HOW could this woman have BEEN my Mother? I mean—this human. From what I saw, she was such a damn mess!” And you’r under the so-called “curse” of automatically having to love someone, yada. When they are in your family. I think it’s a mind fuck. She’s gone and she abused me and (almost) every other woman I meet
Contains the shadow of her abuse. STILL. (Forgive ME if I sound like a man-hating dyke : ). My bro, he died. I buried him. “Cause I got damn sick and tired of him laughing and snickering at my pain like the bully in grade school. Fuck that.
Forgive harder—your power comes back to you. Every day, every hour if necessary. Every night after you dance on the roof under the stars and when you sit for your quiet meditation session…go over those you want to forgive…and just make a little magic, imagining you are blessing these monsters, these witches, these demons. Bless them, send them compassion and let them go. Send them on their way. SET THEM FREE. And if it doesn’t work and the anger’s still there, then do it again tomorrow and next day and the next if necessary! And do this until you can think of the person without that
“Knee jerk hate” thing. Then maybe your power might come back from that particular black hole. It’s kinda like getting a great massage. “Ahh—I feel so much lighter.” Well, sure the damn masseur and prodded and rubbed and massaged out the kinks, the toxins and the tensions. OF COURSE YOU FELL LIGHTER STUPID! : ) LOL..
I’m dedicated to trying to “Forgive harder” anyway. Can’t hurt. Much better for the blood pressure than anger obsessions and just stewing over shit.
Forgive any typos…
And I love this one I came up with "Aging creates space..." It certainly does.
Saintorr Healing Arts