Biking back from Essex Street market I passed a woman younger than me struggling to move, to walk with her walker. I try to feel grateful for feeling the wind on my bike as I passed her. I try to feel gratitude. I try to feel something : ).
Is prayer a useful activity or a fool's pastime? I think if it’s mixed in with affirmations (E.F.T. set up statements) it can be valuable. “Even though I feel lonely, empty and sterile; I love myself and accept myself." I wonder.
Now that the hot Daddy’s done gone,
After he done be treating the other hot Daddy (me)
soooo good! So fine with his money and his loving.
Now that there's nothing, a vacuum
What do I do? What do I do?…
I need to make something up,
I need to pretend...LOL.
I need to play.
(with no particular purpose other than to play!)
I get anxious during the slow periods because I am forced to not be sexing and money hunger (poverty) rears it’s ugly head like a dragon. The sober "be in it" activity of "being in nothing." Gosh. So isolating. Yes, gratitude does have it’s place and yes I mourn the fact that I don’t cruise anymore that life has changed so horribly into a kind of phone vacuum hell; and sex-massage working identity crises. (Good when it's good, painful as hell when it's not). Rejection in real life is too painful a pill to swallow. I'm having fantasies about nest door neighbor "O." He's 30. Does he even have a queer side? So…after the enormous radical affirmation that this IS the way things are—then I accept myself and move on…Who said it would be easy? A bit of dopamine crave (for a man, a body to touch) and a bit of a craving to drink. Geez hot mess here. : ). Answer, jerk off to muscle...
August is scary; it’s that time of year when memories of the my gay bashing (even from 1993 the trash years of Mayer Dinkins-which we are going through again with Adams) rear their ugly head; to be followed by the angina of the 9-11. I need a fuckin’ therapist already. LOL.
Mantra—No mud no lotus (repeat and repeat).
I definitely need the spa tomorrow. And Friday need to bike the Hudson Croton Trail. It sucks that they have roped off a large chunk of Fort Tilden as it cuts down on the cruising there. Damn birds have taken over where nude men used to wander seeking penis love. I wonder if they are still cruising out in Jones Beach (God I had the hottest men out here). But watch out for poison ivy). LOL. Rockaway seems over. It's too mixed and non-sexual now.
Gotta work my music tonight. So much to do—namely see if the shit’s working ! LOL.
I don’t feel very motivated to do much of anything except have a beer : )…I’ve only got three left to get through tonight. Last night listening to Janis Joplin on the roof 2 AM; God that bitch could sing! I have to focus on me; (taking my inspiration from the USA Gymnasts Olympic Team. Focus on the ME team of Me Myself and I.
Should I audition for the queer play?
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