Mem Day Weekend NYC 5-29-23
--I am "Recovering". Again.
Sitting here on a gorgeous day alone, doing some Soul Homework. Past issues that I thought I'd solved coming back like demons that won't die; but to own and love all my demons (aka "shadows" in Mankind Project lingo) IS part of my work herein. Today.
Being at the Eagle last night brought up so much "stuff" (the unattainable muscle man (out there) the "rejected inner child" (in me) whose body is too old (now) or just not "hot enough" to "compete" (when the hell did having fun become a damn competition????!!!) and of course the young or not so young unattainable and yet "worshipful beautifies" that walk as if in a Meat Locker--look but don't you DARE touch. It's also not easy going there alone and observing the hundreds of men in their little groups. Brings up lots of "clicky) stuff from my High School days. And of course playing at being "strong macho man" wherein gender fluidity can only be expressed by the tall, thin "Trans" person NOT the older, hard core white guy LOL.
I do (did) somewhat enjoy the eye candy after all there is only one New York Eagle! And yet I feel something is "off" personally. Not sure what it is...(maybe it was just too damn crowded? Maybe I was too stoned) but something was "off-kilter." Maybe it's my current prostate issues (thinking about the idea of having cancer and my sexuality (dick) basically being "cancelled" is a terrifying proposition. I also take the risk herein of sharing too much on this site, for the typically studly, hot man, talking 12 steps and being vulnerable about my health is, most likely, NOT what a horny client wants to read about. Fuck that. This is my health and healing site. Not yours.
Anyway here is some healing homework I thought I would share from https://adultchildren.org/free-literature-english-translated/ the ACA site. I found the "afterglow" particularly helpful, as after only two meetings I feel like "Super-Recovery-Man" of course it's an illusion. Also very helpful was the bit about "the false self" versus "the authentic self...wonderful revelatory stuff...
Yesterday in the meeting I shared that I felt my "inner child" had either died or grown into an old man..." (Which I personally thought was really funny LOL didn't hear anybody laughing though. The literature of the meetings is helpful to understand and helpful to the healing process. I love these meetings and "this" methodology for dealing with my bad habits because AA is too cultish for me and S.C.A. is too brutal. I need a kinder, gentler, slower recovery program. And I think this is it! Thank you KT and all my past spiritual teachers (and higher power) for bringing me here!
It's all in wisdom. The "Fetish world" whether it be for leather, muscle or youngish more perfect bodies is all a dead end. And yet I still struggle NOT to be pulled into it (What Recovering person doesn't?) Wow. Did? I really have a foot slave for 17 years only to discover we weren't even friends? That's pretty sick. Forgiveness of myself is called for over and over and over. I didn't know. It's the same as the shit with being abused by my brother and Mother. It's NOT my fault! (Thanks Law & Order SVU : )>
Anyway I hope you dear reader find some of this helpful. I know, it's a lot!
*AFterglow--When the Newcomer’s Glow Dims
In our experience, newcomers exhibit an initial glow. The glow from the so-called “pink cloud” of being in ACA will start to fade and we may feel disillusioned. Don’t be disheartened. Many of us thought that the Steps were a magic set of words that, once spoken, would lift the spell of dysfunction. There’s more to ACA recovery than chanting the steps or recounting our stories – a lot more.
Keep the Focus
The dimming of the newcomer’s glow signals the opening of the opportunity to do the healing “work” of getting behind the words, beyond our habits, to the deeper recesses of our subconscious where the conflicts, memories and feeling from our traumatic childhoods have been walled off by the critical survival parents or false selves* who have waited for us to be well enough to process them.
Tools of ACA Recovery
• We go to meetings, and call program people to discuss recovery issues.
• We read ACA literature and learn about the experiences of others while gaining clarity on our own experience.
• We define and enforce our boundaries.
• We work and use the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.
• We identify the people, places and things that are healthy and useful to our lives today, and discard those that are not. Music production and creative pursuits---positive. Porn and self-hatred from not being beautiful or young--not so healthy and not so useful.
• We reconnect with our Inner Child or True Self.
*We believe that each of us is born with a True Self that is forced into hiding by dysfunctional parenting. A false self [critical survival parent] emerges that protects the hidden True Self from harm, but at a heavy price. BRB p. xv.
Spiritual Goal of the Healing “Work”
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Healing Work Defined
Processing and integrating our underlying conflicts, memories, and feelings is the core of the healing “work” that allows us to become whole (not dissociated), present (not living in
the past/future), and spiritually awakened (not spiritually deadened and numb).
What We Do Not Do at Meetings
• We do not engage in crosstalk.
· We do not criticize.
· We do not comment on what others say.
· We do not offer advice.
· We do not distract others from the person speaking by word, whisper, gesture, noise, or movement.
· We do not violate the anonymity of others.
· We do not repeat what is said in meetings (in any context).
· What We Do in ACA Meetings
· • We share what is happening in our lives, and how we are dealing with these issues in our recovery program (i.e., we share our experience, strength, and hope).
· • We build a personal support network.
· • We practice our recovery and personal boundaries by giving service.