Again, the Challenge of Being Kind 3-19-25

Amazing that I had to fuck around with Notes to create new Note to make a fucking blog entry this night! Would love to throw this piece of shit Mac out the window, eh! Way too much iCloud syncing going on to suit me.

So had had regular client X today. I expressed how I had missed him as he had not come for a session in more than a month! He just said he was busy! And “I don’t read your blog—it’s grounds for your being arrested." Can’t believe he said said. (Smile) And yes it is--or some might see it that way. I like to keep things humorous; true I am my own worst enemy. And I truly love this client! : ( or :  )…I believe I do. He is ANYTHING but a hot Eagle bear. The furthest thing from a hot bodybuilder. And I love him and bless him for being who he is! In all his uniqueness! (I know when I can write with this vulnerability that I still have a Soul).

So it continues; I don’t know why but something in me needs to speak out about what I do in the M4M massage world for more than three decades--my good and bad experiences doing M4M massage. (Maybe you are thinking "here she goes again!" And yes; here I go again!) There are many good experiences in doing this work. And there are also a ton of awful ones. I’m just calling it like it is. I think many queer men just looking at the M4M massage world don’t like to admit that there is predatory behavior, disrespect and agism all over the place but there is. But then there’s that tired old cliche—if you mix your money with your honey it will fuck you up. This American Mind-Fuck tends to hang over every S. worker who has ever done that or mixing that with massage work. And it does exist. That bad karma, It's a hateful social judgement on whores. That jaded bad light that "Good people" LOVE to judge others for; that so many want to paint S. work as; something degrading. And it can be. And it can be beautiful. (It's just chaos and in the M4M world there's SUCH denial), But just because you might deal with some (or a lot of) negative  experiences this certainly does NOT make you an entirely irredeemable or bad person. ("You in jail" said the client ; ). I think it just tends to make you see the world in a slightly different light—yes one might even say a more unkind light. I guess yeah, that's me. We queer folk tend to judge ourselves so harshly it's quite insane to my way of thinking.

Off topic, I had a work orientation for my new job tonight. It was Ok. Interesting that when we went "intro-ing around" I didn’t even mention that I’m a songwriter and I produce music and play music and it's a big part of how I have fun (besides biking). Why I wonder has this become a non-issue when I’m talking to other people and supposed to pass important info on about who I am? Because no one really wants to hear my my music I think so I’ve stopped asking and stopped telling. This doesn’t make me want to stop playing it. LOL. This I will continue to do cause it makes me happy. Even though I’m nobody. I’m me and that’s enough and that’s Ok.

This isn’t really funny or sad. It just is.

I applied for a bunch of acting jobs tonight on Actors Access. Casting Networks is definitely not happening…they are trying to sell some kind of “healthy living benefits” or some sort of bullshit that comes as a kind of benefit when you pay  their too high monthly casting fee. Crap. They are not long for this world. I guess you can purchase laxative at a discount along with applying for extra work (at $165 12 hours non-Union rate to walk in the rain and stand around all day outside in 100 plus degree heat. Glamor—at what price?). Comes along with their casting service…” Ridiculous. Just as ridiculous as S.A.G. expecting you to NOT WORK the rest of your life without handing them over $600 bucks a year for the privilege of auditioning for Media work. GET REAL BITCHES. What absurdity! In this economy????!!!!

I really have to watch myself. More absurdity was me putting down myself in front of another queer man (by saying degrading things about what I do for a living) while having a conversation with him--SOME STRANGER--at the Eagle this past Sunday evening. I must remind myself--massage is a very hot topic for me to share with "unknown" queer folk. Many of then do not deal well with my rough edges.

I really have to be more mindful. I don't need to make myself look any more absurd than I already am (I ride a unicycle). But how else does one explain away the awful treatment (along with sometimes the good treatment) by men in the M4M massage business? I should probably have just kept talking about the weather this stranger. And the fact that there was a sex-feeding frenzy going on right next to us with average looking white men down on their knees servicing hunky, hot black body builders. Hey Gurls---YOU GO! It's really hard for me to stop mentioning predatory behavior by men on men in the M4M massage world. Why? Because there is SO MUCH OF IT! And it's so rife within the M4M massage business. And during this convo I saw that he clearly judged me. So I guess it’s just better not to have an open discussion about it if you are sharing with a judging man and not a simply bearing witness man. This queer fellow was also kind of weirdly in denial about being or not being a bitch (if one was do to be a hypothetical drag queen). His precise words were “I would NOT ever be a bitch if I did drag” which I don’t buy at all. Something is missing or some kind of denial is going on there.  I’m still processing all that. I guess when I’m in public with queer men I need to be half in denial about what and who I am. I need to not reveal. It's hard, It's against my nature. Not good at posturing here. Funny how I never thought this was a technique to employ when in the queer public eye but I guess I have to employ it. Otherwise I guess I just come across as a complaining kvetcher (i.e., bitter bitch)—which isn’t very attractive. Nor is it wholly and totally me. Part of my effort to redeem myself and be “a force for positive change” is to be more about the non-massage aspects (or very specifically—the non M4M massage aspects of my life experiences)...and they do exist. Alongside lots of constant darkness in dealing with "You're my massage FLAVOR of the MOMENT!" I guess often I think because I'm pointing out the absurdity of the M4M massage business I believe I'm revealing truth and exorcising denial. It's too big a job for one man! LOL.

I think there’s some way to be grounded and be yourself and yet to gracefully carry the weight of all the years of PTSD and self-inflicted social homophobia and yes--objectification, i.e., acting as other men's MEAT. Maybe being aware of it in one’s life but kind of down-playing it? Maybe that is the ticket? It also speaks a lot about the empathy, compassion and experience another man (another queer man) might show you that you are sharing your info with. It’s graceful to say to a guy “Wow—I hear your pain” (or simply said I hear you) which is more healing, empathic and compassionate than saying “Well, you mixed up your money with your honey—so you’re a bad egg and I’m just going to have to write you off. Nice chatting." Which is basically how this guy left me feeling Sunday. Hmmm. That’s where this guy was coming from. I got such an overt sense of really being judged. I think it's also because I mentioned being bi and that NEVER goes over well in a qay bar! One Mr. Regal I met at The Eagle last Sunday. Hey I"m a poet and I know it. Ha ha. And I will never see him again.

I wanted to mention that AJ Reddy was the DJ from 10 to closing on 3-16-25; and he was playing the some of the WORST C***-sucking music I think I've ever heard in my life. Awful. And taking selfies of himself with the empty dance floor in the back ground. I mean WTF? Who DOES that? My God what garbage. He must be related to somebody to be able to work as a DJ there; maybe the queer fucking Mafia? I really need to complain. Even the classics weren't the classics; they were those

faux-classics bad DJs spin...all speeded up and not the orginal artists.

Must be a copyright thing.

Geezus! I"m grateful I have the ability to dance to bad music and still feel the joy of movement! : ).

Anyway this challenge here I clearly see is simply being kind. Yes that is so very very challenging. It’s hard to be kind when your queer because there’s an automatic turn-off to your being queer in society at large and by other men and especially other queer men. It's getting better; always getting better (well--er--except not with Trump).

Bravo me for figuring this out. I need to get more in touch with the joy of making music. But making music also intrinsically involves processing pain just because there is so much pain in life and living.

I can’t throw shade on another queer man for making an effort to be kind all the time, any more than I can judge another queer man for being an attitudinal bitch; but there's both of both. We are all light and dark and also even though like “ME TOO” and BLM, etc. the properly P.C. thing is to SAY you're being kind even when you're not. But for many of us queer/bi men it’s really really hard to be kind because of the cards that life has dealt us. I mean seriously—I’m supposed to be KIND when I live as being a feral human being for 80% of my life? It’s hard. I’m not defending being unkind, I’m just pointing out the fact that my life is naturally not this way. Not a pity pot just pointing out my reality. This is it. And when I see it, and live this life every day; I don’t feel like being kind. I just feel like basically being left alone. Honestly. And often my first job is to be kind to myself because my heart is so awfully open (and often spat upon by others…because they detect my open-heartedness). True. Orrstory…

I guess there was a method to my madness tonight, hence I had to write this…

So after more than 3 decades of doing M4M massage and I still read some of the profiles on Rent Masseur; they are ridiculous. “No, I don’t think it takes any specific training to be a good masseur…” Did you really just write that in your profile? It's so ignorant and stupid. And of course…you are one of the hottest, prettiest queens on the Rent Masseur site.! I mean your are super hot! So who can blame you for being a complete Puff Piece? That is how it works...that good ole skewed moral compass LOL.

It's funny I had a photo session recently and I can honestly say I don’t think I look that handsome to my own eyes. Many times I look just like an older man with a funny kind of sad-Soulful smile who's a bit long in the tooth and a rather weird body. So that’s OK. That’s me. I’m me and I love that—even though I’m weird. God Bless my weirdness Jesus, Mary and Joseph. LOLLOLOLO>

This has been a very therapeutic share. I’m blessed that I can name myself and all of my complexities. You don’t have to read this or agree or disagree with it. Actually your reading of this blog is totally irrelevant right now. That’s how I feel. I just had to get a lot of this stuff off my chest. So there. Also truly grateful to NOT be writing with AI. Ha!

Love and gracias LOL.

nycmasseur 3-19-25