11-14-25 RESTLESS IN THE COLD!

11-14-25 & 11-15-25

The moon is waning! Wanted to get wasted tonight; so much insurance frustration!!!!!! But maintained sobriety...

Talk about ambiguity!!!!!! I hate it…sticking up for myself and NOT over-sharing—just asking for clarity. More important that ever to be your own advocate as a senior! Then feeling like I’m being raped every time these so-called support service people apologize--it's like a dagger in my heart--the sheer stress they imbue by posturing being nice! Feelings of being taken advantage of and jerked off with my time…wait wait wait and then nothing: lots of wrong information: then finally a rep named Tracy with a weight problem and a bad knee--MY ANGEL! Totally helpful support. So simple--assisted me in filing a dental appeal. Thank you sister! Geesh, after all that. Aetna with their Liberty Dental division of dental insurance: should really be called "Tyranny Dental!"--I totally get how people could assassinate corporate pigs. The rampant frustration and the constant shirking of responsibility of these corporate motherfuckers is off the charts. And guess what? A new puzzle in "insurance speak": my new therapist company administrator told me (you'll love this new jargon for total confusion) "You have no co-pay but you DO have a co-insurance fee of $24.10 a session." Jeesus Christ, you can't make this shit up! Co-insurance. Fuck me.

I couldn’t watch FRANCES…it was too disturbing; I did have a great dance workout and did some Pilates and a bit of weights on the roof; stars were gorgeous obsessing a bit about that Italian looking guy at the gym…that body...

Just need to eat chips and salsa now and watch TV cops~ : )…LOVING Mariska in LAW AND ORDER SVU...Love the whole cast. Masterpiece of TV fiction! Dick Wolf you rock but I would hate to work for you. Real task-master I hear. Show business is last bastion of complete and utter fascism. No thanks. I'll stick with my music.

Stars were a loveless fascination!

So beautiful…thought I saw meteors falling…!!!!

What a trip life is; so lonely and yet real I guess; wonder if it’s this way everywhere else?

UPDATE. Last night received text from stranger claiming to be a celebrity: claiming they'd had a crush on me for years and offered to help me with the rent, other bills and expenses in exchange for getting to know me. And admired my "positive vibe" (this last was a dead giveaway they were fake assholes). I think I prefer "Hi, this is Amanda, remember me? I was thinking about you..." Hell, why didn't they just offer to sell me the damn Williamsburg Bridge??!!! If this was a genuine person--if this were me--even I have enough social skills to introduce myself (like a genuine human) with an opener like "Hi, I've been noticing you for a while online and was wondering if you'd like to meet up for a quick coffee or a drink?" That's the way you play you play it fool. That's the way you infer/confer that you're genuine and not a damn scammer, gold-digger. Blocked. Before that another ghost client--called from Queens, wanted a nude massage, yada yada, (with major long pauses in between the texts): major red light for jerk-off/not serious. Blocked again. Reminder to self: (insert cheery Christmas music here) it's that time of year when men are especially horny, lonely, alienated, manic, probably using too much: and capable of lots of acting out behavior! Got it! It's human waterbug time in the M4M massage world y'all.

And so slow now: But of course! Clients have begun thinking about the holidays (the MANIC holidays) to come with their corresponding wallets and eyes set on gift-buying guides and not self-care. Pity. I would best benefit myself by spending another two weeks of X-mas through New Year's Day at the TSI respite back in Creedmor. The solitude and quiet so soothing. I love the peace there, very beneficial for good mental health. Cover from creeps. Amen.

Love you Steve--you are a beautiful person--in spite of what you do and the kind of men you attract with your humble, little massage shingle hanging outside of your door. Even the best intentions...LOL. God Bless you bro. Keep up that resilience and sense of humor. You got this.

Time to work on my Daydream song today and hit the gym. Did hours of some site text revamp. Removed the "Daddy massage" phrase as it suddenly occurred to me how simply stupid and self-stultifying that sounded. It's self-denigrating to give clients ammunition to not take you seriously. This I should know by now. Every day is a work in progress...all in the journey, all in the journey...

The cat's hungry. Grrrr! Also gotta deal with the short story collection. So many chores, so little time...momento mori...