Went to the Eagle on Sunday and saw lots of joy and a few hot men. Sam Gee was the DJ playing downstairs from like 10 on and through I tried and tried to like his music, I simply couldn't. The riffs and beats seemed cheap and unmelodic; he was mixing old and new and at one point played On the Radio by my girl DS. I obviously was in the minority as lots of men were having a ball. Oh well. sometimes it works and sometimes it falls flat. I am a real diva; for when I love a track, I can take flight on the dance floor. But when the music isn't happening it's like being stuck in a scary, smelly outhouse waiting for some creative to bite your ass after you take a crap! Some creature in the darkness who is hungry, and there you are, sitting and oh so vulnerable. And that awful smell of shit all around. Ew!
Interesting this "OFF" experience really inspired in me a tremendous doubt, that the way I have lived my life for so-many years being quite out bi-queer was over. Meaning I need to search for new meaning and not put so much stock in men. It's not that I feel betrayed. But that from putting so much importance on sex and pleasure, I am left with basically nothing. And now--looking at 70 this year, perhaps it's time to pray more, now that I'm getting closer to the end. Younger men seem more resilient. But I have my gold they can't touch.
I have difficulty accepting Jesus and the whole Holy Spirit thing as I doubt. However I do know that if I dedicate myself to more prayer, maybe, just maybe some of the pain of the awful experiences I have had with people in New York can somehow be alleviated. I've had a lot of good experiences too, however it's the painful ones that seem to resurface again and again. I believe the reason for this is that I have lived this life with an emphasis on lust--and though I have enjoyed my life immensely, the "grind" I have experienced, seems to make the memories of betrayal and hurt and pain, more acute. Like recurring nightmares. Through prayer and meditation (whether you are a Christian or not) I believe one can re-experience and re-create peace in one's life. And just maybe that is enough. Peace, strength, holding firm. The challenge for me is when I get in a mood NOT to pass that shit onto my fellows. The urge to be cruel is so, so easy when so many absent bodies are walking around, not really in their bodies, only on their phones. It makes me hate them. What did a wise friend say? Hate the game, not the player. I wish I could do that more! I can be so guilty of being an asshole, of being cruel, it's crazy. But again, to go beyond the guilt and shame of this kind of behavior and to go deeper in trying to understand why I act this way...easy-peasy. Many moments of clarity last night. So grateful for my own sit-down talks to my iPad. I love myself LOL. This was the happy ending, the resolution. But before that...a client called and dangled a possible late-night session before my eyes and I knew I was gonna get my fix and get my money. But I could tell (after the adrenaline rush) that the client was setting up an impossible situation, bound to end in a non-booking though his acts of mindlessness. Lots of red lights. And that combined with my CRAVING set up a perfect synchronicity to fail. So after I blocked him, I was in a mood. Then I analyzed it and moved on. Move on, release it. Let it go. That's the key to detaching from addiction's hold...
Also reflecting on "the types of evil" some men bring into my life. This is not a fantasy. For I have come to believe and to recognize the sheer extent of deeply damaged men the work I do attracts to me. Wow. Definitely time for strong vigilance. It almost seems this demons are attracted to me because they want the healing but they can only express violence and pain and a sick sense of humor. Almost like the hateful heckler in the comedy club! And maybe the solution is more meditation on the power to let go of these bad experiences and to practice embracing the good, healing and better ones. But when one is in solitary confinement, there is none but oneself and higher power to turn to. I wonder if it's a weakness in me that often I'm blind to the sheer joy and healing I bring into client's lives? Why I wonder can't I see the solidarity of my own goodness and the infinite grace of the good I do when I touch men? I wish I could feel a stronger integrity in myself from the good I do. Perhaps, as a creative, it's simply not in my nature to be continually self-loving, That's when I turn to higher power. That's when I surrender, because so much of me doesn't know what any of this means...
I think lying in the sun and getting high is the best revenge. Don't you? LOL.
New mini-exercise video I did this morning--look for it here or in the next entry and come for a great massage. I continue to have healing hands though I spend a lot of time fighting dragons LOL!
The taxes are paid and I'm healthy. What more do I need? LOL.