So grateful to be able to BE ALIVE and healthy as a horse right now. Though the city’s rough as hell and filthy as shit; yes we are here! Some younger men looking at me out of the corner of their eyes when they look away from their cell phones. Suspiciously--Stupid.
So horny, too much beer, too much porn. Yet today I managed to listen to magical music on the roof and do my mini-Pilates work-out; later, enjoyed a crappy copy of TRAP. JH so hot and crazy good as the serial killer to end all serial killers.
Still not sure whether I want to audition for DIVA THERAPY. on the 13 or 14…
I need to re-read the sides and decide whether this will be fun for me—or whether a live acting role requires time, energy and discipline which I may or may not be able to inspire myself to deliver. Honestly it's all about how much fun I can have. Simple.
What else? There was a great role on actors access but the main character (a heavy of course) wore a mask! I think not…
Tomorrow I will try to do the "Old" Croton Hudson bike trail which basically starts in Yonkers...
I will bring mace and a small pocket knife, just in case. Can't wait to be with trees and away from dirt and shit : ).
Getting Out of NYC! Yay!
Thought on living the "hard core" isolationist life of a low-income senior in tough, super gentrified "Bitch-Ass" Manhattan...
Stockholm syndrome is a proposed condition or theory that tries to explain why hostages sometimes develop a psychological bond with their captors. It is supposed to result from a rather specific set of circumstances, namely the power imbalances contained in hostage-taking, (too poor to leave the city) kidnapping (I feel safe here--relatively speaking being a queer/bi senior), and abusive relationships (honey these streets are MEAN MEAN MEAN).
I truly wonder if poor people (those who can't leave NYC and take "normal" vacations) are at risk of developing Stockholm syndrome. What happens is, a situation develops wherein captives (people who are "caught" or "feel trapped" by their living in NYC) feel empathy or a kind of camaraderie towards their captors (a tough neighborhood; or their own poverty which disables them from leaving the city). So basically what happens is that you start to view the numbness, toughness and overall "ghetto" or "shit quotient" (tough street life, inhospitable people, violent people, unfriendly people, "zombies" on cell phones, no cruising, no sexuality or sensual vibe from people you see in person on the street) AS THE NORM! That is my East Village version of Stockholm Syndrome.
Oye. Definitely time to escape! The spa was yesterday; that's what the train ride will be tomorrow : ).
I do feel a beauty from being on the roof, seeing the colors of the sky and making creatures out of clouds. And of course being completely and totally ALONE on the roof. Thank God! But it's as if I'm living in a tower, looking down at people and all the boys and girls are on their phones...so I go back to the porn (no clients), the beer, the endless movies. This will change, soon...I hope LOL! Or maybe this IS the norm, i.e., my music, my so-called acting career? Why bother? Strange but then when I get clients calling again, I become super energized. Paradox...
It's hard to come to the conclusion that I fall so very easily into the "feeling of being trapped" my living my free and not-so-easy lifestyle;--when actually life (relatively speaking) is good. A 5 hour visit to a spa? Having a home and a few loving friends. Living the dream And above all else having my health! Thank you higher power (or God if there is God).
xoxo
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