A Frequent Topic in Therapy

Again today as in the past, a popular subject with my therapist was (and is) the latest rash of no-show clients. Eight in the past week to be exact, give or take. This included clients' oversharing in texts, assuring me they are absolutely going show up--including a few who booked from Rent Massuer who were visiting from other cities (I'm soon to enforcing a strict policy of no bookings more than a day in advance to avoid that). Then there are a number of clients calling on the same day to casually book: then sending a text apologizing and cancelling sometimes within the hour. Hard on my nerves to say the least I have to work really hard to still maintain a professional way of being for new clients who come along.

The nice thing about dealing with a no show (for I categorize all clients who book and cancel as no shows) is that once I block them, I never have to deal with them again. There is the slim chance they would re-book but why risk that if they've already shown a lack of respect for my time and energy? If that abusive (yes abusive) behavior is there the first time, chances are it will repeat. A bit like the abused housewife who keeps forgiving her abuser only to be hurt and hurt again. Only this is business. And I don't ask for the abuse, I just receive. Ahh yes and there's the argument from the legit squad "But you choose to do this--it comes with the territory!" In a way, yes. Sadly it's the super sensitive of us who practice who spend the most time I believe, being effected by bad behavior of others, possible because our boundaries are thin. That's also (paradoxically) what enables us to give of ourselves so completely in some sessions.

I don't know why I'm still surprised after all these years: when, again I encounter an absolute rash of bad behavior of clients. Is it just me or does it get worse every year? The ones who who book as if they were ordering a slice or a macha latte (what the hell is that anyway? LOL) and then comes the oh-so casual "So sorry I need to cancel?" An hour later. Asshole, why did you book in the first place? Why are there so, so many assholes in this business? If you really start to see it, you open up a bottomless pit. No wonder no one talks about it? It's like an epidemic! I think it's also the sheer passive aggressive/machine-like/robotic nature of texting that is now the standard behavior in almost all young people especially. We aren't humans anymore, we've become truly objects to tap, like, send, approve, block, staring at our phones to avoid any human contact or interaction or worse polluting the air with the sound of our frivolous or VERY IMPORTANT business conversations invading everyone else's space. With most women it's just second nature: with older men (and younger assholes) it's a polluting pestilence. Ridiculous, really. Not even funny in the sense of ridiculous. Just plain stupid. The young twats sitting at the gym on the machines, just staring at the phone. Staring and staring like blank-faced zombies and taking up space like lifeless logs.

But I digress: my explanation (to my therapist) to explain the no shows anyway is: because a masseur infers a degree of sensuality may be part of the session the standard patriarchal thought of "he's a whore" comes into play. Not human anymore. Just object, just plaything. Then there's the poor woman who was gang-banged at Cornell. And though abuse in the m4m massage world is of an entirely different degree of abuse: indeed it is still abuse.

When I think of all the time I've spent trying to process the nonchalance, and disrespect. "Oh, just one bad apple" I've told myself a thousand times. Just one bad egg doesn't spoil the whole dozen! Ha ha. But it's not just one bad egg. The stalker (yes the stalker at my door two weeks ago Friday) was just one in a series of fake bookings (and cancellations) one in a long, long line of fake outs that culminated (was it number 8 or 9?) in the alleged client from Boston who was to come today (blocked him on Rent Masseur) followed by the asshole who booked and then cancelled at 6 (blocked that one too) from Masseurfinder. Oh my.

There really is nothing to be said or done. Just accept and have faith the good ones do show up and the bad ones once blocked can't bother one again, but they are soon replaced by a whole new slew of bad ones. It's kind of like rats in an East Village garden. Kind of like a "rat reserve" if you will.

Yesterday, I purchased a pair of rubber nunchucks. They are great for relieving tension, truly and less harmful than the wood pair I bought. : ).

Binged last night on East of Eden. The character of Cathy I found fascinating. The whore/non-whore syndrome, the overall obsession with money making, the abuse in her childhood, the manipulation of men by using her sex: then of course the corresponding addiction to morphine. (With men the morphine is the sex).

What a paradox, sex, this most beautiful, natural gift God has given us is precisely the thing we so easily weaponize, especially as bi and queer men, against each other. Why? And how we normalize this behavior, disregard it as irrelevant to the conversation even. It makes me ponder (as this former friend (a true whore, a female named "Dee" who lived in the 'hood for years and finally had a huge falling out with me because she couldn't stand the fact that I actually owned property) used to repeat again and again "It's the urge to self-destruct: we all have it to various degrees..." or is there a true salvation in the Hebrew concept of "timshel" (or "thou mayest") as Steinbeck frames in "East of Eden": i.e., we all have the choice to be good or evil.

I truly believe that it's the damage that's done to the child that makes the child want to go on and create more damage to others. But in this queer world the insidiousness is that we all quiet passively swallow our abusive behavior to each other as "the norm." Why aren't we more outraged at the way we treat each other? At the way we give sex so, so much power one moment and then cast it aside like a soiled tissue the next? As if we were shaking hands?

I'm so glad I truly am an elder and that I don't have to go through it all again, especially now when the human element to our interactions seems to be less and less every year: almost as if it were Alice after she hits the "Drink me" bottle and grows more and more minuscule until you can't even see her anymore. Just another way to disappear. On that note, it's time for some Sleepytime Tea and the bed.

Come for a great massage. I'm a master at selective, creative denial LOL.I promise, no talk, just touch. Only touch. That's the only way we can heal. Turn off the brain, let the hands do their magic and allow the heart to receive...