Just watched this simply amazing documentary on Tanny Le Clercq...wow talk about the
strength of the human spirit! Inspirational!
Went to The Eagle tonight and I find myself growing closer (meaning studying ) to a man I would like to date but I don't even know his name. He's a black man with a profile resembling a the stunning profile of soldier, athlete or warrior on a Greek vase. And he's very quiet. Also introduced myself to "Zachary"--very hot. Been noticing him for weeks and developed a weird crush on him the first time I laid eyes on him weeks ago; then tonight for the first time I was man enough to really LOOK at him, reveal my attraction to him, talk to him and find out his name, etc. (and accept the fact that I was attracted to him and that I didn't hate him!) Also saw David and Mr. Light. Mr. Light made a really bad joke about me in Costa Rica; he said I was going to end up having my organs harvested!!!!! Jeez really dude--don't curse it for me! LOL. And of course saw Larry my rocking bartender. I so adore going to that place. James Andersen's music upstairs was fabulous; I thought it better than the beautiful Mideastern looking DJ playing downstairs who took over at 10. I had a sexual experience with one "Angel," a Latin dude--we started to get hot and heavy upstairs and then he bit my tit really hard which was a complete turn-off. He ordered a beer for himself and spilled it on the floor (that's what he gets for not offering to buy me one LOL). I turned to this hot couple I was kinda flirting with just before Angel came onto the scene and I said to the one guy "Well, that was quite a release (referring to the large foaming pool of spilt beer on the floor.) I would prefer not to be the plaything of anymore Latin tourists at The Eagle, I need to connect more with the "local" community that dwells there. It was a good night. I felt at one point some queens were laughing at the way I was dancing (all by myself--I can be very dramatic) but it takes balls to dance along and dance truly as if nobody's lookin'--so fuck them. So many hot, hot men there--so much eye candy. Unbelievably fertile ground for cruising. I found myself full of feelings of confusion, fear of rejection, etc. but I feel I'm becoming more "normalized" being in a gay club from my frequent visits there on Sunday night. Like I was trying to explain to Mike who was working in the mini-leather shop/kiosk--"It's hard to "be natural" in the "real world" of spontaneously sexy and hot cruising guys where I have no control. It's the "real world"--so different from the massage paying world where "one can have one's cake and eat it too" and much spon·ta·ne·i·ty is lacking. LOL. Praise God that I am still alive and vital enough to experience this place--this GAY GAY GAY club with dancing! I am so so lucky. Very affirming that the "living sexy, sensual vibe" was so alive and well and overflowing there tonight for me and so many beautiful and not so beautiful men. Something very courageous about being able to dance and affirm being a big queen, being gay, bi, etc. and honoring the dance and lusting after men, openly and without shame. Life continues and we dance with courage and SWAG specially and almost in honor of the fallen brothers in CO. who were murdered this past week. It's a kind of call to arms to DANCE freely and with balls!
Another self-victory today; proud of myself for sitting down and producing and uploading all the requisite paperwork for a senior housing complex in the Bronx. I am ready to leave the East Village and the beloved (a-hem) trampling bumping and thumping of the larger-than-life (in sound only) water buffaloes upstairs. I am so looking forward to a more peaceful environment. OK so the Bronx is not the East Village at all but I'm ready for more peace, ready to be "out of the fray..." Methinks that when I leave 427 my life will expand. After I finished the paperwork (which at first I disdained even the thought of doing--because--what" THE BRONX?!? Ew. ME in the Bronx!!!!?????"),
After I uploaded all the paperwork and the Housing Works site said "congratulations" I had a strong, intuitive feeling that good changes were possible in my life, that I could rise above my own fear and shadows that seem to be so weighing me down lately. It's the fear of change. Maybe once one accepts that one is afraid--THEN one can take action and move beyond it...work though it...all one can do is try. And keep moving and dancing. Moving is life. Dancing along with making music is some of the sweetest frosting available to us forever unknown artists (such as myself!). Hell, it's damn tough to keep living in NYC--but it's been one hell of a ride, I've relished it. But even the champ's gotta know when it's time to say goodbye and move onto and into the next phase...