Check-in 1-2-26

I think I felt in a small way that I got my groove back today when I sat down and I wrote for just like an hour: then proceeded to begin to assemble my final collection of short stories for Digital Kindle (suddenly their app is very user friendly). I had secretly hoped that I would create a buzz on Substack. Which I'm seeing is just another doomed social media whore feeding frenzy site: Then I felt weird, like why do I even bother with this? Because--I answer myself, people need to know my stories! And FABULOUS FAGGOTRY is some of my best writing (short stories, horror, sex, fantasy...all things LGBTQ, blah blah): even though as F. Lebowitz says "Nobody reads in NYC--everybody is busy writing a book..." Ha! Well, not the NYU students as they are too young to have anything to say! Probably a lot of frustrated writers out there: but even more frustrated people!

I think I have a crush on a gym buddy writer friend of mine! But I also think he's straight, even though he does so many girlie girl things : )! Oh Kurt...you are my ideal successful writer as I fantasize you are always receiving big, fat royalty checks from your books on fitness! And your sense of humor is off the charts! Funny how being here for years makes ponder that perhaps I too could create my own creative trust fund! (Though hardly feasible being 71 (online age 66 bitches) and unknown. It's hardly worth calling Kurt to do coffee or hang as I get the distinct impression he is a "fun gym acquaintance" but wouldn't have time for me in his life politically as I'm a nobody artistically speaking. A complete unknown. (Maybe he's asexual?). I have feeling he's a bit of a fake that way. Ha....winning the lotto--fate decrees, (in my fantasy) I sell my writing and suddenly there's an extra $2G a month for me to live on in royalties. Goodbye massage clients!~! JOY! Fat chance: but at least one must try. (Auditioned for movie yesterday--it felt good).

I do have my massage (mis)adventures, too, of course. It's so damn slow it's ridiculous. And all the beautiful people are out on the streets--on the hunt no doubt!. It seems that ethereal feeling of New Year's Optimism is still floating around in the air

Meanwhile on Rent Masseur : )...as all the most beautiful male whores are offering up their bodies for bodywork all over the city. Competition like never before. Cuts into my money-honey syndrome big time. Hence I need to jerk off so much to create more dopamine! I wonder if I should be recording my jerk-off? To what end? To get more massage clients?! Jesus I just feel engulfed here. Somewhat smothered by the lack of work--pessimistic. Would have to definitely wear a mask to do the video thing. My fear is it would invite more phone addiction into my life. That world is such a dark horse world now: and yet I see so many damn faggots looking far worse than I am--on the jerk off sites. Guys from MKP have regular jobs: I would go to the self-jerk off on video "place" with great reluctance. But maybe my own bourgeois consciousness is holding me back. I don't know: I so wish Trump would die. Seriously ! I can't get my friend in Costa Rica to ship me a bottle of my favorite perfume from there due to some sort of weird restrictions. Jesus. Bombing Venezuela. Doesn't he have anything better to do. Please die Donald DIE--you crazy old fat ass turd.

Interview next week for companion care. It's fucked that I'm back to $20 bucks an hour. Jesus (again)...We'll see what Jan numbers are for massage. December numbers must have been like $500!

In spite of it all--in a really bizarre way--I am appreciating the fact that I'm here and I live in NYC! Jew York City! Yay! Can't believe Mayor Muslim is proclaiming all this anti-Israeli stuff. NOW the truth comes out! And all the liberals doing a dance that this towel head is gonna save us. I'm sorry but I cannot support the Mulim contingent in any way shape or form--just call me Bridget Bardot! LOL.

"Wicked for Good" was so fragmented, unlyrical and woke that it made me want to vomit while I watched it. But the set design was fab.

Trying to really put together a ravishingly positive video for the new year: but I'm just always back to grateful lists that keep me going. And mine are like out of the Twilight Zone. When I see what I'm trying to do with my video site: I feel a bit ridiculous. Let's just focus on positive messages please: They are good fuel. Also will be checking out Sham Med Ctr again this week and Channel House too!

If only someone had warned me how my business would shrivel up and die as I grew older: I might have listened: possibly made better plans. As it is here I am old and crazy. Trying not to drink beer today (for a few days). Maybe my life would have been the same. I try not to have regrets. I have done a lot of good shit! It's just that at this particular point I feel sort of nullified! Cancelled by age LOL! I've played my life's cards. They are what they are. No regrets. Just write the shit out! Maybe someone will be entertained. And if they don't wanna read your shit, you know they will love your hands anyway LOL!

So this is what I wrote last night at 5 A.M. The one most unforgivable sin in the queer male American so-called community is getting older. Anything else, functioning addictions, OCD, whoring, back-stabbing judgement, super cuntiness ("I lost my bike light here last week" to the queen checking coats at the Eagle last year: her reply "I don't wanna hear it!"): free floating gender identify...anything else is forgivable. Not getting older. Yup, age cancels naturally. It's really challenging to own that without being cynical--just wise. Fran said Toni Morrison was one of the few wise people she'd known in her life. Maybe I should look into reading T.M. I'm back to Cormac McCarthy though the song about the wolf in Border Trilogy upset me deeply with it's unending violence against animals.

I love me!

OYE