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Got My headshots 12-20-23


-and saved myself $200!


Just entering 3rd day of no alcohol. Wow. So much energy; feeling very ultra!

No clients at all. The calls may even not start again until the new year. But I am loving this space to be my Hot Mess self and just work on completely loving and accepting myself as I am. Is this perhaps the ultimate example of Christ's forgiveness for my sins? Beyond religious dogma, is this truly a journey to deeper self-love for me? And, therefore being more open to others? Especially to having more healthy friends and sex relationships? Or again am I confronted with the simple fact that I put way too much emphasis on sex? Specifically sex with men who don't care about me at all and view me as an object--to get THEIR dopamine fix! I applaud myself too and have to give myself credit for talking about being bi in the meeting. I think it's the first time in so many years I've been able to share about that without shame...Also feeling more peace inside. Could be all the praying--also the positive effects of no alcohol, and this Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping) that I've been practicing. Mmm. Would love a Bailey's on the rocks now LOL. That Everclear is definitely rot-guy shit!


Also worked on my writing tonight; a quickie little short horror story called "Green Tea" inspired by a really sick and twisted YT video. After the A.C.A. meeting couldn't wait to get home and write. Picked up a lot of anger at the meeting from others. Got to share about my dopamine-fix-craving and shared publicly that this is the reason why I have sex with so many guys I'm not attracted to so that I can feel the dopamine flush in my body. Left out of my share the fact that I get paid too. It wasn't really relevant. I choose to share some things and not others. That is my prerogative and my choice. Had a mini-fellowship after the meeting with one fellow traveler I empathize with and am in tune with-dude is a Buddhist, very non-binary and a father to boot; the other guy who was with us, he was kind of a neurotic dud, I don't really get anything from him but an urge to definitely keep him at arm's length (for a variety of reasons, number one being he's got weird body odor. They had free pizza at the Center; I should have gotten some...


So, we are heading toward X-mas. Amazing how I feel peace in my home with no one above my head walking so hard they make my body vibrate! The quiet and peace is so nice. I love watching all the people with their suitcases leaving the city. Ahh, less people. So nice! Hopefully I can join BS (ha ha--Backstage--it is all bullshit really isn't it?) today. Watched May December again. I love Haynes. He is so damn camp! Need to do more writing and definitely work on music...

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