This is an email sent to one of my dearest spiritual advisors who runs the "Teatime for the Sensitive Musician" support group 9-6-24
Dearest Audrey;
First off thank you for that email. And thank you for being you! You have a wonderful gentle and "smart" way about you that inspires me to be more kind (for a few moments I can put away my typically abrasive armor) in my ADL (activities of daily life). That's a gift and why I keep coming back to TT.
The tapping works for me on many levels (sometimes I think even on a subconscious level that I may not immediately be aware of) definitely on a level of "releasing stress" in the moment) and encouraging and nurturing a small seedling of self-lovingness and self-compassion. Some of the meditations are interesting musings but I'm not sure how helpful they are in terms of sparking real "motivation/momentum" to jump start my creativity and productivity in making music and other projects. (And that's OK...maybe "Why bother?" is a valid question for me right now)...i.e., I didn't just pull this thought out of thin air; it comes from living here and my experiences here for about half of my 70 years! : )...
I think part of that is the paradox, it's a beautiful city and it's a place you can get your mind trapped in and just come to believe that living life in a kind of semi-sadomasochistic Manhattan-way is "normal" i.e., Stockholm Syndrome LIVES LOL.
Your Mom has been a teacher, right? So she is used to being in control and her basic "go to" purpose IS to give advice, i.e. breathing...which is helpful of course. Cracking the nut of being a creative person while "living the life" in NYC is a different animal altogether and her solutions are not necessarily solutions for me. Likewise for your Dad who loves to analyze, give advice and go to the "Jesus place" which works for him.
My most extreme lesson in being a body worker is this; everything is systemic (which means everything that works for every individual is ACCORDING TO THEIR OWN SYSTEM). Again my go to place is different that your Dad's here. I reflect on God and enlightened beings but the big God for me is somewhere in myself (not in a narcissistic way but) in a life - living way and experiential way). Often the Christian Gods become effigies and praying and depending on God to assist and help often for me turns into hollow exercises in play acting and self-soothng superficial balms. If anything I am a pagan who wonders at the marvels of the immaculate conception but realistically finds more answers in trees, sky and the ocean (frogs and cardinals) and my own mortality, than in fairy tales or religions made by man...this comes I think a lot from being queer. Queers have always been on the outside; they are Pagan by the very nature of the man-made systems that persecuted them (us) for years, and I'm no exception. I love the majesty and power of the Catholic service, but honestly, a pope who blesses trans-women in his speeches and yet calls men "Faggots" in Italian and throws shade on them for becoming priests to me is a rather bankrupt spiritual leader. I shared this with Erik and his reply was simplistic and too hetero-biased for me to even consider; "He's from a different time so he uses that word." Hmm, sorry but not sorry and definitely not acceptable in my book. But then I use some forbidden words frequently in my personal writings and reflections so no judgement LOL.
There is no true solution except for the bottom line--it ain't over till it's over and if we can create some beauty and elevation along the way (which you have proved you can do with your great talent and music) time and time again, maybe that is enough ; ). I'm looking for my expressive flight wings; sometimes I elevate and sometimes I stay on the earth pondering "Why bother?"
Warmly,
Steve O
nycmasseur et al
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