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Praying to St. Jude; processing dissociative session with a client 12-1-23

Updated: Dec 21, 2023

Had to block repeat client “R” (sorry but cancelling on the same day is a no no-like any other professional this is my business policy); new (passing through) client “B” and very hot repeat client “M” (oo la la) and VERY VERY hot (young bear) local client “S”. It’s been a good week; (update--followed by two weeks of no work, comes with the territory). Also, I had to push feelings aside at least once (and/on a somatic level), dissociate myself in a recent experience with a client. Forcing myself to submit to the client’s wishes, though still remaining safe, I dealt with the “toxic-runoff." OK but on a somatic level I'm still recovering from the sheer energy drain, stress and distaste of this experience. I was not a human with this fellow, I was a slave-object. I can deal with this on a sheer business level (he paid well, the session was very short) but the experience left me drained, numb and taken advantage of to put it mildly. I will probably never see said client again. (His Venmo trail later indicated he was a Trump support--no wonder he made me feel sick!). It takes being thick-skinned to get through these types of sessions, and being able to “feel my heart again." And afterward it's a challenge on a somatic level to feel whole and at peace again (i.e., I really needed time to recover and get back to my real self after "fleeing myself" and experiencing true dissociation). Update--the recent reading at an A.C.A. meeting was on dissociation. Sheer synchronicity. Often with me stress manifests itself physically with lower back pain. On a positive note there were a few creative “outings” this week, both involved seeing shows and meeting other actors which was very inspiring. I also began paying off my SAG dues and now that the strike is over I can begin to looking for acting work. Everything is from God (if there is a God). Update--did some great selfie headshots with my Powershot (see latest blog entry). Last night I continued praying to St. Jude for a “solution” as to whether I move (sell), move where? or continue to stay in NYC (there’s only one NYC but the sheer greed of developers and the continued high cost of living here keeps eating away at both my Soul and my pocket book. I'm listening for an answer St. Jude—do you hear me? ).

Acupuncture session was relaxing but did little to relieve my back pain which was truly alleviated by contrast bathing (use of moist, warm heating pad 3-4 minutes, followed by ice pack 3-4 minutes. Repeat and repeat...miraculous. My go-to treatment for lower back pain. Try it! Also begin re-writing my short story “Synergy” (which I have read in a past blog). I’m updating the story and trying a self-edit this piece which is about my being queer bashed in 1993. It’s also about how I wanted to buy a gun and get revenge but was talked out of by a good therapist, i.e., a testament to good therapy and how one processes violence. Queer bashing, like rape, child abuse and micro-homophobic violence is a kind of coming of age of any queer or bi male. What queer person hasn't experience this? Although it's more comfortable to discuss gay marriage! I’m grateful I survived the experience. Also re-writing "FLAMES" about my witnessing my Father's self-immolation when I was about 3. The rewrites continue. Writing is hard. In between "Synergy" I recently finished new horror short story ("Green Tea" to be published online soon) and am revisiting some old "gems", watch out for "The Brain Exchange" and "White Trash Lab Rat Transplant". Writing is much harder than watching movies and drinking! Update--now day 3 of no alcohol). Currently fascinated by "The Curse" as I watch the characters practice diplomacy in the midst of social media whoring. Good watch. Also check out May December. Love Todd Haynes!

This entry recently updated...12-21-23 AM. Hmm...someone just called...hope it's work--if not back to the writing LOL. Good night St.Orr

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