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Why are my stalkers always average looking? 9-25-23

I wonder why any stalkers I've had have always been men with average bodies? It would be so nice to have a bodybuilder interested in me. To do a free exchange or ongoing playmate. I guess this is my lot in the M4M world—business or not; to always settle for average. Never outstanding or hot. Only in certain sessions. And a session is a session. Thank God I've got THOSE kind of sessions! Once in a while. I finally had to recently give up my Latin Married man Janitor Free massage exchange partner. He was such a damn mess. Always so uptight in between the occasional "Do you want to fuck me?" (He certain had no problem communicating THAT in perfect English; though there seemed to be an immense language barrier when it came to anything else!). Besides the rosary he carried and tiny figures of Jesus and Mary--the last session he insisted on wanting to do the massage while his wife was on the phone researching his Equadorean Social Security. Pretty sexy huh? (Ew).

That’s OK…I accept that. I have my cat and my creativity.

I never ask for money upfront; that sets an overall tone of being a sex worker; which I am not. I am a masseur. Money is always paid after the session. Masseurs do their own thing…sex workers focus on genitals; masseurs focus on the overall vibe of the man. And it’s all based on the premise of massage. There is no promise of penetration. Ever. Everything is chemistry. Everything is massage based. That’s why it’s impossible for me to answer ridiculous emails asking questions like “Could you tell me what a typical session is like?” God. Did Van Gogh casually discuss a typical session of his process of painting a painting? I think not. Doing M4M massage is also primarily CHAOTIC. I mean a man only books exclusively based on 1) how horny he is or 2) how much he needs to be touched. Seldom do clients repeat and if they do it’s never as good at the first time. Sometimes there are exceptions LOL. Fireworks explode and burn quickly. The long-term embers last, though the fire is not so brilliant. Or hot…

I wonder why it’s so very difficult for me to “click” with hot men? Maybe I don’t do it as a form of protection. All those affairs in the 80’s leading to my loss of self. No wonder I'm so closed. But I can smile. Just try me. Also there’s always the threat with a man. The constant threat of drama and violence that always seems to be attached to attraction. It must be inner homophobia based. DL men don’t think about or acknowledge any of these feelings. They are pretty shut down (take the average pro athlete, firemen or policemen (construction worker—or “hot” immigrant type man (who usually doesn't speak English). All that snarkiness as if to say “I know you want me—so I'll tease you.” All that armor and protection. Generally emotionally speaking it sucks to be an open-hearted queer/bi (artist type) such as myself ‘cause we are pretty much alone all the time…both men and women fear us and don't understand us. Or they play a game. Bi people are hard to find and make friends with. Queer men tend to exclude. Straight women and dykes dismiss you. It's weird. Like being the Black sheep in the LGBTQ+ paradigm. Not unlike feeling like a cartoon or a clown...

A friend texted me at 3:30 AM Sat. “Dating sucks” he said. “Hey, at least you're TRYING!!!!!” I replied.

Back to reading Cormac McCarthy’s “Trilogy”. It’s so juicy and spare and muscular and poetic. Yay! Along with Rick Rubin’s “The Creative Act.” I need to order the workbook for that…Drawing scary monster masks for Halloween…I’d like to be a scary drag queen or a blank page upon which my secrets and my visions keep writing themselves from deep within my subconscious…maybe I'd like to be a wave. What would that costume look like I wonder? And would I be wet or dry (water or sound). LOL.

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