Why are M4M massage business slow-downs good (the big ones--summer & spring) for my head? I call it "enforced abstinence" or "harm reduction" from my sex addiction. No need to go to 12 step meetings. When the clients aren't coming; I'm not cumming, i.e., my usual feed on mutual dopamine man/release is interrupted. This is good. It forces me to focus on other aspects of my life; it forces me to be reflective (and grateful) for the non-sexual things in my life. In other words, I begin the feel "the sanity of balance" in a real unbalanced environment (i.e., chronically horny guy doing M4M massage; and living in New York City).
Some gratitude items; health, ability to make music; exercise, sun, the quiet of my apartment (lots of people vacationing now so it’s more like a true Writer’s Retreat in my man cave), the rooftop, enjoyment of food and drink, 11 days (count ‘em) of abstinence from beer (on day 31 I'm buying myself a bottle of my fav. absinthe). Not sure if the last is exactly a gratitude item but I had to prove to myself I'm strong enough to just stop the booze and detox from it. Energy is great. Lastly with work slow down comes leisure time to chill, be stoned and relax AND DO NOTHING. Let's hear it for low-income, non-pressure stay-cations! "I think--therefore I am single!"
Amazing how exhausting the streets are; though I am grateful for the lack of people. Occasionally really loud sounds disturb the peace (truck horns, the annoying beggar in front of Dunkin Donuts ("Hey--TELL ME BRO-WHY IS IT SO HOT?") even the boy behind the counter at SAIFEE GARDEN SUPPLE opening a paper bag like he was bitch-slapping a damn shark or a bear. But by and large so many people are gone so that the usual fray is way less. With the heat one has to be super aware of street-triggers (hating) easy to fall into that drama; challenging to stay detached like the Buddha LOL. But overall I repeat; the lack of people in Manhattan in the summer is wonderful! Also my writing seems clearer. I do this for me. My one friend who religiously watches my videos was disappointed I stopped making them. I may start again but if I have nothing to say--why bother? Social media can easily become a parasitic entity in that one is not living and experiencing but one is caught in the digital trap of kind of performing for something or somebody (it's out of the realm of the inner self--too much focus on the outside world). Today I think I had something so say--if only for me and for the clarity of writing to myself and getting myself to understand myself! : ).
Also today I was headed for the train to Yonkers when I got way-laid and decided just to do the roof instead for an hour or two THEN go back into the man cave and “play” (musical projects; latest song “Aurora Dawn” to complete and also make LO-FI version for online world.) & try to complete KK manual; do I want to order vocoder? I may to Yonkers tomorrow but EP is in a free music and meditation church service at St. Joseph's in the West Village. 7-9:30....that should be real nice. Also I get to hear world-class classical music...not my usual musical food of choice but a clean, elevating escape from the gross streets, noice and ongoing ass-holism syndrome of people hating each other now (the usual street vibe). Then of course there are the "there's nothing like New York--I'M LIVING THE DREAM BITCH" moments...am I bi-polar? Yes! And I love it...
Sadly A4A is proving a bust. No one seems to read profiles (getting hit on by queers from all over the world—but nothing in NYC only unavailable queens playing games). And a huge number of men looking for relationships only. Gosh my abstinent massage times really make the world seem like a super bleak place to find sex. There so much of an over-abundance of shit online but it’s just so damn stupid or sterile or sick or something. I just don't wanna go there! So there's so much blocking of almost everyone, esp. the “relationship addicts." It doesn't matter what your profile says. I still get hit on by robots, AI entities and lonely dudes from Africa. I am not your Daddy bitches! LOL. Sugar or otherwise.
If I just had like 3 or 4 regular fuck buddies, my life would be so much more manageable. As it stands I will settle for 1 good one! Speaking of which. When I'm in DAL (daily activities of life) I constantly run into non-sexual straight guys (very worked out but not a queer bone in their DNA) or coupled nice typical gays (coupled). I guess this never-getting what you want syndrome is a stick in my craw precisely because I'm a sex addict? Or perhaps I've just got a really really strong sex drive and the addiction groups just don't work for me? Well, it's OK 'cause like I said the nature of my M4M massage business forces abstinent periods. Being uncomfortable is good I think because maybe it forces one to "go deeper" into one's self-understand, search for people and the quintessential disappointment that depending on people for any sort of comfort (or understanding) is useless. One can only try to understand oneself (and if some of the crumbs fall into the realm of understanding others...GREAT!
Good news is my fuck buddy came over two nights ago. What a relief! He’s such a big, strong, very smart and witty BEAR (with super sensitive tits—thank you God). He likes to pretend he’s got me pinned down on the massage table. Ha ha. I prefer mutual tit-sucking in lieu of the faux wrestling thing but whatever. It is what it is and we do our mutual release thing and it’s good. Strangely he doesn't care if he cums, and I get myself off with my helping hand while savoring those visuals and the touch. The real touch! He’s so powerful. I love it. Porn is no substitute for real touch but when there’s no real touch; there’s porn :)
My online check-in for the day!
8-15-24
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