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3-18-23 “Stranger” by Miami Horror is so 80’s sounding; the bridge is reminiscent of

“The Ghost in You" by the Psychedelic Furs; Heard it at at the gym; tonight I just downloaded it for free. How long before that freedom ends? There used to be a used clothing store in Chelsea called "Reminiscence." Music has no value. Yet in my life, it is right up there next to health and God (if he does exist). The beauty is it’s all around us; and as the semi-famous, closeted bi musician who came a while back said “it’s great because you’re making something out of nothing.”

This is the same guy who said to me "I wanna write a song and the first line is “You Fucking Cunt!” Hope he wasn't referring to me!

Up all night last night, couldn’t sleep at all. Nerves? Only had two beer and one small cocktail (of course Everclear IS 190 proof ! : ) !!!! Got caught up in watching Tic Toc (or is it Tok?) videos for what seemed like hours. Did I release myself then? Can't remember. I was watching and watching the phone (growing into my arm in the wee hours) and a video appeared in the feed of some guy with "Farmer" in his name playing a mean guitar and singin' out in one raspy Motherfucking voice "I WANNA LICK YOUR CUNT." Holy Cabooses! Welcome the Ides of March when weirdness rules!!!!!

There there’s “Road to Nowhere” that should be the sex addict’s hymn (but gee we do have lots of fun).

"Anti-Hero" by Taylor Swift is so beautifully fertile with all these incredibly smart and super-prosody-full lines and rhymes…what an excellent tunesmith she is. Heard that in "Gentle Wash" cleaning my clothes.

So I went to this Buddhist sort of-“gift shop” with clothes and bracelets and lots of Buddhas everywhere; located on 1st Ave between 7th and 8th Street. I’m asking the owner how much for a set of bracelets like the ones that he’s wearing and he’s says “$35 per strand" and he’s got all these different colors of piles of bracelets made of these special beads; ("They're not glass" he adamantly assured me). I asked him if it would be possible to have one made like his but with various colors of strands? ”No” he replies indignantly “Only one color—all the same!” Ok. So weird…”ultra-man?” “Homophobic” (did he think I wanted a rainbow effect? And so what if I did? LOL.


Slow slow slow slow slow slow slow slow slow…cat’s outside for hours; it’s a gorgeous night…lots of alcohol-effect in the air…St. Patty’s Day.

Watched this very narcissistic video of me drinking wine a making faces into the camera from 2006. I was more handsome than now. Younger of course. Was I really that little "Pig?" Yeah, when you're alone all the time you find weird ways to "windhorse" yourself (i.e., prevent depression).

Time to watch “Hausen” so frightfully weird and strange; all the lighting is muddy and off; about this haunted high-rise in Germany somewhere and the building itself produces this black ooze looking like either septic sludge or oil, disappearing babies, drug dealers, people shooting up, just the thing for a spring Friday night at the movies at my place.

I felt very lonely today but got over it by getting high. I’m still a bit dizzy but I’ve determined I’m not drinking at all this weekend. I feel so fat! Had an OK late night work out at the gym just before they closed at 12 midnight. Hardly anyone there. Everyone is partying! Thank God for ear plugs (a must for my workouts); all that grunting and grunting some of the weightlifter-guys do. Sound like their either dying or having sex. Seems like their all straight…lots of "Bro action" showing dirty pix to each other. And old "Bronx boys club."

Sebastian has disappeared. Maybe he was just on a temp membership?

Am I projecting? The boy with the blue hair wasn't working out tonight. Alone alone alone alone…blah blah blah…

Need to take a bath and submerge and smell essential oils and stare at candles round the bath tub.

The synth part I discovered "jamming sounds" yesterday for “Man My Soul” didn’t sound so hot today when I played it.

My life is 90% distractions. Thanks be to God I can take my music making machines anywhere with me. At home, I wrote on the bulletin board tonight “BEGIN THE SEARCH.” The phrase itself makes me nervous. Whenever you feel lonely here you can just step outside and get a people fix. What happens if I’m in a small town upstate or on the Cape? I would probably go for a bike ride along the Cape canal…not sure how to handle that in Beacon, N.Y. Walk in the woods? Raleigh has tons and tons of parks. I'll bet lots of cruising. Maybe not. Florida is so queer but has a hideous Republican side (De Santis OMG). Do people cruise in parks anymore? I'd be afraid to see!

Well, queens cruise like crazy in San Jose late at night right next to the police petrol vans. In other parts of the country I didn't feel there was much of a queer-friendly vibe at all. Prostitution is legal there. Also that weird "Catholic anti-queer vibe." I suppose one could say (with a mind toward the M4M massage sites) that prostitution is legal here too. We go to very great lengths NOT to call is that though...(Big Happy Face here).

Happy St. Patrick’s Day all #saintorr #steveorwhat

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