Thanks again RAT (David the no-show) at 917-626-8426. And you are forgiven.
Today is day 5 of my 30 days of abstinence. I was telling a fellow addict about my "journey" two days ago and he parroted that old cliche I've heard a million times. "A period of abstinence is different that being sober." Really? It's apples and oranges as far as I'm concerned. A detox is a detox whether it's one day, 7 or 30! (or the rest of your life).
For me there is no God. He's too quiet. The only higher power I can see and feel is that power in ourselves that keeps us balanced when the urge to do harm is strong the no-show client was unpleasant and annoying (so are homeless mental cases that push people onto the tracks, so is war, so are serial killers, thieves, liars, etc.) but I let it go by drawing a picture of David the Rat being attacked by rats, then ripped it up and threw it in the trash where trash belongs.)
Abstinence to me is a process in sobriety. And though we cannot be perfect beings (lower chakra dopamine creation with self or shared, cell phone addiction, cannabis, muscle, the adrenaline rush of biking, riding a unicyle or even booking a client, who are they? What will they look like? Will they show up?), we addicts can try to be better. Sometimes in just the trying our view of the world can shift. Even if it's a teeny-weenie bit, we can see things a little newer with fresher eyes. Don't the Japanese call it satori? It's not just straightaway sex addiction in the work I do precisely because it involves money. Also given my age and the instability of the M4M massage business, I am forced to be sober when not working. Forced to have no dopamine-creating mutual touch activity! It's called mutual release in new age/old age LOL massage lingo. When I'm not working (or when I'm working doing non-massage work) I'm forced to ground myself. This is good. One doesnt' have to smile when giving a massage--it's muscle. In the real world though, smiling is essential to showing kindness and openess with people. (Also in the street-wise world people often take smiling for foolishness or weakness--that's the urban jungle for you.).
So I was hoping to make some cash today but instead I was the product of a joker's appointment and my disappointment at him being a no-show. (David the rat at 917-626-8426 he would be the one making hateful comments about everything online). I deal. I cope. I am. I am strong. I accept that M4M massage world is rife with shady men. But I know there are still more good men out there. And I am here for them. And I also know that men are getting a really bad rap now, especially white men. Masculinity is being questioned on all fronts. I give of myself because I am a man who loves men and it's part of who I am. And I continue to serve good men because I know I'm really good at massage, healing and/or dopamine creation and men deserve someone good, someone of substance and someone who is also not ashamed of the struggle. I'm one of the best--actually a master. It's truly challenging to keep an open heart and continue to offer healing and sanctuary to the world at large when so much of the world only wants to judge. It takes a lot of forgiveness. I've got it. Thank you David the rat for a real "empowering moment."
Ok. Time to build some muscle using my massage table as a bench. Eat your heart out Rat. You will never be touched by me. Then after that, chill-pill rooftop time and gotta do some music today. Discovered a really fun vocoder by Roland last night. Amazing sounds...only $200 something. Another creative toy (smile).
My Kamala Sale continues. $100 for the hour (and it's pronounced "comma-la" and you don't accent the second "a."
Steve O
the
nycmasseur
8-9-24
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